


Another Moment Where The Author Has Something To Say - Don't Hold Your Breath On This

by TheRedLotusFlower88



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Again, BACK ON MY BULLSHIT, Freewriting, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I really need therapy, I'm Sorry, Rants, You've been warned, so that means bad grammar ahead, therapeutic writing, venting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:14:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21914242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedLotusFlower88/pseuds/TheRedLotusFlower88
Summary: What a good title.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

First of all, I don't know how many times I have to express this - if anyone even cares - but I am So. Fucking. Sorry.

I've been getting comments/reviews on older stories that I haven't even _touched_ since the release date of said story, and I _know_ people are waiting for an update of that story. I don't have an excuse. I really am sorry for the wait.

That is not to say that the stories are abandon. They are not. I'm still active on here, and if you haven't noticed it already, I like to fandom hop from time to time. I started on Ao3 writing Night In The Woods stories, and now I'm back to my original fandom - PAW Patrol. I know, I know, 'eww, you write about _children_ shows? And they're all gay/mature fanfics?' To be fair, I'd started writing about Codename: Kids Next Door originally on Fanfiction.Net, and some of those stories weren't squeaky clean either. I'm talking about my KND/Inuyasha fanfic here. I _believe_ I made Kuki pregnant and a half-demon in it? I don't really remember the details - just that the kids in sector V were teens at the time. So yes, writing mature fanfics about shows where the majority of the audience are believed to be kids isn't new to me.

 **"All I can say is you're welcome!" -** Maui, Moana 2016.

I'm actually staying up and writing this because that's what I want to talk about, as well as some future ideas I have been storing for you guys, and a little bit of personal information about me. I know I've written like two of these things, and neither has been updated - but again, it's mostly because of fandom hopping, as well as having _too many ideas_ and trying to do _too many things_ at once. That's my first problem - as a writer and a person.

(Side note: I don't know if this is breaking TOS of Ao3, and if it is, I'm sorry. I'll probably take it down. It's just that I have no one to talk to, and I have so many thoughts running through my head, and it's just so _much_ )

Which brings me to the topic of discussion - too. Many. Thoughts. Inside. My. Head. And I'm not just talking about story ideas either.

I don't know if this is the side-affect of being a loner/introvert. I don't have a lot of friends, and I find talking to my family is an extremely hard thing to do. I have so many things I want to discuss, opinions I want to voice, but for some reason, I just can't. And it's because of this, I find myself having mental breakdowns in the middle of the night, suffering with low self-esteem, and while I haven't been diagnosed, my mother suspects I might have depression. Add in to the fact that I've become inclusive for a good chunk of my life, with a negative outlook towards life, towards _people_ (this hasn't changed much. I know there are good people in the world, but it's the idiots that are the one that speaks the loudest, and therefore, doom everyone else) and you pretty much have a recipe of disaster. I have spent so many damn years hating myself on and off, trying to build up my self-esteem only to tear it down in the end, that I've pretty much given up on myself. I want to die. I have nothing to lose, and I'm 99% sure my death won't affect much. Maybe my family, but like, they'll get over it.

I won't die though. Just as I have too many thoughts in my head, I have too many dreams too. I want to join the military, then maybe go into the police force and use writing as a side hobby until I get a steady income (writer's don't get paid much, and I really want to work on my grammar before publishing anything. I don't want to become the next Fifty Shades of Grey *gray, for all you Americans*). And then maybe, when I have enough to retire as a police officer, I'll start a bakery. Maybe one day, I'll get in contact with my best friend - whom's number I have lost - and ask if she wants to join with me. I want a motorcycle, I want to go on the track, and you know, just _live._ Fuck, the whole reason I'm still up and writing this is because I just thought of how neat it would be if I could design my own clothes, because I'm a Baltimore Ravens fan (born and raised), and I want to show off my pride for the Ravens this season. They've been doing so well, and I am so proud of them.

So yeah, I have plenty of ideas of what I _want_ to do with my life. The thing is, I have fallen to the same disease as everyone else, especially here in America: I don't want to put in the work. And it's not because I'm lazy (even if that's true), it's because I don't have the _energy._ And every time I think about it, how much work I'll have to do to get what I want, I get so. Fucking. Tired.

And let's make something clear: I **despise** people like this.

I don't like quitters, and I _really_ don't like people who look for the easy way out. You don't **get** where you need to be _just because you want it to be easy._ _If it was easy, you'll never learn anything. If it was easy, everyone would do it. And the last thing **you** want is to be like everyone else. Everyone else is just going to drag you down to levels you probably never thought you could go. _

So yeah, there's some intense self-loathing there, because I've gotten into this mindset. And I want out.

But like I said, it's a vicious cycle: prep talks after prep talks, only to be dashed away when my incompetence shows and of course, my demons would pick that up. It's why I'm so fucking afraid of getting a job that deals with people: Because I'm not a people-person, I'm too shy, because I'm not very good at math or speaking, because I feel like if I make even _one_ mistake, I'll get fired on the spot. At least in the military, you get told what to do and expect to do it perfectly (and maybe not even that - they just want you to _try_. Anti-military, come at me).

I don't want to live my life in constant fear - because that's what it is. Fear holds me back from doing things I want to do, and I fucking hate it. Nobody should be living in fear, life was not made for you to cower and hide from every little thing that stands in your way. Sometimes, you _have_ to fight; to take a stand even if there's no one or a million standing behind you. And maybe that's why I admire stupid animes like Naruto, Black Clover, My Hero Academia, and the like so much. The protagonist in these shows is so damn cliche, in an oversaturated market, BUT they make an excellent point in real life.

(No, this does not meant you're OP as fuck and can take on anything. You would probably get crushed by something much more bigger than you)

When you work hard, you get rewarded. This has _always_ been in the case in _life_ in general, and no amount of whining, stomping your foot, and calling foul play is going to change that. The weak will perish while the strong survives - how you take this saying is really up to you.

So yeah, having and _knowing_ this vs the type of mindset that I currently have is like two opposing sides colliding, and the aftermath is just chaos and destroyed cities with buildings on fire. Because the things I know aren't being applied to my life and I'm self-aware to knowledge that. And I don't know if this means I'm just slow, mentally, or if it's something else.

I'm kind of running out of steam now. I haven't gotten to the part of why I want to write this - to the ideas that I have on the back burner that I think some of you are going to love, if done correctly. But this is just my little rant for now, and again, if this is breaking the TOS, then I'm gonna delete this. Because other than Fanfiction. Net (the place where I USE to be), I'd have nowhere else to go. And I really enjoy this site, since it has so many options more than Fanfiction.

(Plus, I can write smut for any fandom I want and not have to worry about it getting removed. Take notes, FF - oh wait).

Yeah. Later! 


	2. Chapter 2

To ThriceCalderon and Yanixter: Thank you for sticking around. I really appreciate it. And you're right, Thrice, I do wished I had a friend to talk to, lest in real life. But I've realized that talking here on the internet is okay, too. It's actually my preferred method, really. That's why I'm half and half about going to therapy. I struggle alot to just open myself up, but give me a pen and paper and I can pretty much write down everything I feel (and it sometimes bleeds into my fanfictions too, which....while not a bad thing, especially if I'm in a bad mood, the last thing you want your readers to read is you having a tantrum through a character of your choice). I actually had a discord, but I am unable to access it due to it being incompatible on my computer. So now, if Discord hasn't deleted it yet, my server is up in the air. At least, until I get another computer (not just for discord, but also this one is pretty bad).

And in saying that, I'm going to go off topic here: Fuck Microsoft. Seriously. Just fuck this company.

I hope I didn't just piss off alot of Microsoft fanboys, but they are terrible. Not as much as Sony or even Google, but they are up there. I say this because like two months ago, Microsoft forced my computer to update even when I didn't want it. They have the fucking _audacity_ to lock me out of my own damn computer _just_ because I didn't want them to put more shit on my computer. Then, when I was forced to go into I believe it's called 'safe mode?', it pretty much deleted EVERY FUCKING THING ON MY COMPUTER - and by that, I mean the fucking apps (including discord). Luckily, all my docs and my ideas for the stories I want to share with you all are still saved.

But boy, oh boy, am I fucking _pissed_ about this shit. Had they ACTUALLY deleted the documents I have written, I think that would've been the end of me. I would've quit Ao3, discontinued all my stories, and even break the fucking laptop I'm currently writing on. So yeah, that fucking happened.

And now, I'm officially a anti-Microsoft fan. I'm gonna trade in my xbox 360, in hopes for a ps4 (if that's how it works at all and maybe I still can. The only place I know that can do the trade is GameStop, and I've heard some things), and I want NOTHING to do with Microsoft _ever_ again, if it can be helped. Unfortunately, for me, Microsoft dominates the tech area. So even if I _had_ wanted to avoid them, I'll probably still buy their product - because god knows I will never buy an apple product, and I heard nothing but bad things about mac. Plus, I really like gaming, so I'd want a computer where I can do all things I normally do and play games on. The more I talk about this, the more appealing buildings PCs sounds, even if I know fuck all about technology and how sensitive the equipment is.

So yeah, fuck Microsoft. They are just one of many companies I wish to see burn to the ground.

Mini rant over, I guess I should tell you one of my ideas now. It's currently buzzing in my mind, but I'm holding it off cause, well, I don't know how it'll work.

It's basically a multi-fandom crossover, in which the world had ended. It's not to be confused with a zombie apocalypse, it's just characters wondering around Earth as the last known survivors (as far as they are aware). The end goal of this story is to have them come together and rebuild society (also, I can't believe Dr. Stone beat me to this I-!), while also searching for answers as to what happened, and why humanity got wiped out. There are established relationships, and I guess that's what really got me stuck.

Should I tagged every, single, relationship in every fandom I'm in, just so the people who is reading will know? Because the last thing I want is for an anti-shipper to stumbled upon my story, read it, found a couple they don't support, and start harassing me for it - all because I didn't tag couples in the relationship tag. And to not misunderstand, I don't have a problem with anti-shippers (given the fact that I am one myself. I _loathe_ the NaruSak, Gruvia, and the TimTrixie pairing), especially if they have an reasonable explanation for why they don't like the ships - it's just the majority of them are bit...loud. And a nuisance. And mostly, they'll just tell you "I hate this pairing" or "I hope you burn in hell for this" or something equivalent. And they do it, _purposely._

They will actively search you out, and leave comments/reviews mostly insulting you - not the fic. And it let be known, folks, that _these_ people are trolls. Not the people who give you legitimate feedback and telling you what's wrong, and what you should fix; if there's a comment that is filled with nothing but insults, chances are, it's a damn troll. These people shouldn't be taken seriously.

I want to say this is the reason why I'd moved from Fanfiction. In truth, it's partial. Yes, I was annoyed mainly at the 'guest' reviews for constantly asking me about writing Chase/Skye fanfics (PAW Patrol) as well as rushing me to update PAW Patrol: United (a story I have since deleted. Maybe I'll bring it back this time around), but when I think about it, the main reason I moved is because Fanfiction itself.

I had joined Fanfiction.net in 2007, so I was unaware that M-rated fanfics were being purged from their site a few years later. At the time, I was heavily into the Naruto fandom - a fandom in which M-rated fanfics were still a thing, and not once had anyone mentioned a deletion of fanfics, no matter how badly written. Also, Fanfiction didn't do the sensible thing and **remove the damn rating** (though they apparently removed the MA - a rating that I did not know exist on the site) so that way I would've known. Because when it comes down to it, what would be considered M-rated? Nudity? Violence? Sex? Drugs? And how much of it would have to be inside the fic before it was considered M? Because, with the T rating, I could see you getting away with things like smoking and drinking. It is not out of reality that teens would do that - as well as having sex at like, 17 (I refuse to think about children fucking anything lower than that). I can also see you getting away with nudity - partial, and not going into details. But the M rating....

What if you wanted to write a lemon scene? How much of that do you have to cut off before Fanfiction decides it's too much and delete your fanfic? And sure, sex scenes aren't that big of a deal; they typically don't make the story, but like if the story's really good and the character's really good, and are into each other and there's chemistry (something Twilight-Fifty Shade writers don't seem to understand), and the next big thing your characters are going to do is give their virginity (if they have that) to each other, then...how much of that would have to be scrape off? Or maybe it's the wording? Like, saying 'member' instead of 'dick' (ahh, good times when I first started to write sex scenes)? Do those affect whether or not your fanfic is doomed to get purged?

Like, these are things I want to know because for the longest time, I was under the impression you can write sex stories, so long as they were marked appropriately. And let's not forget, folks, M-rated fanfics aren't there by default. You would have to actually go out of your way to look for them because Fanfiction does their best to hide things like that from minors. It's not like when you click onto the fandom you want to read, an M-rated fanfic is right there, waiting for you. So yeah, no, I don't agree with Fanfiction on this - especially if the sex people write about isn't like, a one-time thing, as I've often done, as many others before. Sometimes the sex is there to help move the story a little, and to strengthen the bonds between two characters, if the author wish it. Some people don't write sex scenes for nothing.

Also, I _really_ dislike how you can't control the guest reviews anymore. You use to be able block out anonymous reviews on Fanfiction - but they removed the feature. So now, if you wish to moderate the reviews, you'll have to either approve it or don't. The thing is, however, it wouldn't matter if you do - after 36 hours, the review will go through the system so then you'd REALLY have to keep your eye on it.

So yeah, Fanfiction is a shithole for that. I don't really miss it, to be honest. The only thing I will miss, however, is reading the awesome stories I have found - provided they hadn't been deleted yet. But it's okay, cause I have the alerts on so whenever someone updates, I will get their chapter to read.

Yeah. That's really all I have to say. 


	3. Chapter 3

To Superiority_Emerald (love your profile pic btw): The thing is, I'm not mad that Fanfiction wants to hide it. I just find it really stupid of them to want to delete M-rated fics when they aren't even appearing by default to begin with. If you click on the filter, you'd noticed that Fanfiction's rating system is highlighted k+-T. If you want M rated fanfics, you either click on it or All. I don't know, given the fact that Youtube is also trying to appear kid-friendly these days, I feel like many companies are just bending the knee to favor irresponsible adults and ignorant children.

(That is not to say I completely disagree with things like, real people fanfiction. That's creepy as all hell, and I'm 99% sure if the people caught onto the fact that there are people who write fanfictions about them - and especially the mature kind - fanfiction is reliable to get sued. As well as writing songfics. So to that, I give them a nod of understanding). 

But yeah, I don't get it either. But you also know what I don't get?

Breadwinners. Fucking Breadwinners.

I bring this up because just last night an idea for a breadwinner fanfic popped up in my mind, and I fucking **hate** breadwinners.

For those of you who don't know, Breadwinners was a show on Nickelodeon back in 2014 during the era where all Nick had ever showed were cringey ass commercials and were the epiphany of "how do you do, fellow kids" mainly because of their use of memes. Seriously. That era **hurts** to think about.

On top of that, they had less than ideals shows back then that were scrapped before they even got their first season out the door (as well as live TV shows that you see today - like Henry Danger).

And Breadwinners was one of them.

I **hated** Breadwinners. I hated their commercials, how Nick tried their best to hype the show as their brand-new series, the fart jokes, the duck puns, and just overall unappealing atmosphere for this show. There was nothing funny or even likable about it. And I think at this time, is where channels like Nick, Cartoon Network, and even fucking Disney, started their downfall. The things these channel came up back then, and even still _today,_ disgusts me.

But not so much as wanting a fanfic about this abomination of a show.

I literally haven't thought about Breadwinners in **years**. Why now? I wish I could ask my brain that. But here we are, me writing about a show I absolutely **despise** and god speed to anyone who reads it. No, fuck it, Lord have Mercy On Your Soul should you decide to see what Breadwinners is all about after reading my fanfic.

(Please, I beg of you, **don't.** )

(Okay, so I'm a little exaggerating. The show isn't that bad, but it was still not good either. I still fucking hate it with a passion)

So yeah, be on the lookout for that. I'm actually too fucking afraid to say what the story is about, _that's_ how scared I am of my sanity at the moment. Just know that yes, it's gay. Because why the fuck not?

Side note, I've recently discovered a band called Written By Wolves, and I am so in love with their music. "Apathy (Is A Hell of A Drug)" is absolutely my favorite song, and it is so fitting to the mood I'm currently having towards life in general. And maybe one day, I'll write story inspired by this song too.

That's really all I have to bitch about right now. Later! And Merry Christmas! Hope you all have a wonderful holiday <3 


	4. Chapter 4

It's currently 4:15 am. I should be asleep, but I'm not. Oh well.

Actually, before starting this, I was on Youtube and recently been watching a bunch of Star Wars videos (let me correct that by saying videos of mostly people interacting with Star Wars characters in Disney World/Land. God, it makes me want to go again), and because of that, Youtube's been suggesting me a video from a Youtuber that I am subscribed that I had not watched. If you're curious, that Youtuber is named Just Write, and the video I had finished watching was an analytics view of everything that is wrong with Rise of the Skywalker (more or less named The Rise of the Skywalker Is The Most Frustrating JJ Abrams Film), and it kind of got me thinking.

It should be noted that I am _far_ from being a Star Wars fan as possible before I get into this. Like, my only interaction with the franchise is Star Wars: The Clone Wars, the cartoon that use to be on Cartoon Network before Disney own the rights to it. Personally, I really loved the show and it was one of the many cartoons I looked forward to watching when Cartoon Network had _good_ line-up of cartoons. And yeah, before any Star Wars fans get at me for being basically a wannabe fan, I do know a little bit about Star Wars.

(Mostly, I only know stuff that's obvious - like Luke being Anakin Skywalker's son. - insert nervous laugh here).

Just like Jojo the anime, most of my knowledge of Star Wars comes from memes, therefore, I should say this because I _will_ being saying this a lot when it comes to my opinion: Anything I say, you should take with a grain of salt. All my rants about a personal subject is coming from a person who either doesn't know much about a subject, or is someone looking from the outside in. I'm, like many people, just expressing **my** opinion on the whole situation, and therefore, I would like to think my view of the mattered subject is as neutral as possible. If there's _anything_ you find wrong about it, or like to discuss or just want to expand on something, say it in the down below in the comments. I promise, I won't be offended.

That said, let me rant.

First of all, let me just say that I have **never** even _seen_ Disney's Star Wars. Most of my information comes from Youtube and fans who were disgruntle on the way Disney was taking the franchise. But even so, I **knew,** deep down, that Disney was going to fuck things up for this franchise. I knew the moment the moment they own the rights to it, it would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. And, truthfully, I'm not even saying this as an Anti-Disney fan (currently).

I knew this wouldn't work well, because Disney is a _kid-friendly_ company. You all know it. You've _seen_ the stuff they produce. And yeah, earlier in the years, Disney hadn't always been squeaky-clean; The Hunchback of Notre Dame comes to mind, as well as the deaths of Frollo, Clayton, Scar, Gaston, but _now?_ Ask me about Disney _now?_ Yeah, they're totally kid-friendly (and safe, but that's another tantrum for another day).

For some reason, I just **couldn't** picture Star Wars being a Disney thing. The things Disney left behind, it can be found in Star Wars - death, grievance, betrayal, life lessons - that type of stuff that you probably won't find in a Disney cartoon anymore. At first, I started thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe Disney will just touch upon those roots again, maybe it will bring some new life and memories in this fandom that seems almost as worse as the NFL team fans.

Hahaha. Oh boy, was I wrong.

Because this is Disney we're talking about, and because today's mantra is "Women good, men bad" (I would actually love to talk about this mentality we're having, being a female myself and is appalled by these...things called feminist), turns out - Disney had made everyone hate the Star Wars franchise even more than the OG fans when it was still under George Lucas.

(On this point, I would just like to say that I don't know where things started to fall apart. Again, I'm not exactly a Star Wars fan - I just know about a handful of characters (the very important ones), one tragic backstory, and a shit load of very funny quotes that I constantly try to meme to people on the internet)

Because there's a character named Rey and she's everything I now fear as a amateur writer - she's a Mary Sue, she's messing with the canon characters (just a tiny bit, I think), and most importantly, she's just. So. **Boring.**

At least from what I've been told.

And I guess this is what I want to talk about, in the end: Character building.

I really can't help but notice that when people - and this includes myself - create OCs, they typically have a pattern. Typically, the OC is the main focus, the interaction with the canon characters are unbelievable (in a bad way), can be extremely powerful for no reason, and you know, everything just has to go their way. You'd think I'm talking about a Mary/Gary Sue here, but it's literally every OC I've come across, and hell, I'll throw my earlier built of an OC in there too. Granted, not every OC is like this; sometimes, they're built the way they are due to the setting the authors put them in, and how they act is heavily reflected by the environment. This is not my gripe about OCs, especially when they are developed, and while they may have a good chunk of screen time, they're typically not there all the time as opposed to OCs who are the main character.

My gripe for OCs like Rey stems from authors like myself, who had just started writing for the first time and, just like how a Mary Sue is born, starts wondering what life would be life if _they_ were in their favorite show/movie/cartoon and so forth.

I throw myself under the bus for this, because I remember very clearly, in my early days of Fanfiction, how I created an OC in the Naruto fandom. Her name was Ami, and yeah, you guessed it; she had cyan blue hair. If anyone remembers her, wow, you've been around for a while, haven't you? But like, Ami wasn't _suppose_ to replace Naruto or whatever. She was suppose to be the Kyuubi's mate, just cause I had - and still do and will forever be thankful that it is canon - shipped Naruto and Hinata together. I think my train of thought was: How cool would it be if Hinata and Naruto shared something in common? And how awesome would it be if Hinata had another girl friend (because to be honest, Sakura and Ino aren't that great friends to Hinata. At least, not when they were younger. They treated her the exact same way everyone else treated her, aside from her teammates and teacher - inivisible) that she could talk to, aside from Kurenai?

Enter Ami.

She was suppose to be an eight-tailed fox demon that happens to be the Kyuubi's mate, trapped inside Hinata, making Hinata a jinchurki - just like Naruto. I wanted her personality to balance out with the Kyuubi's; meaning since the Kyuubi was manipulative, short-tempered, and pretty much hate all humans (I personally blame Tobi/Obito for this), I wanted Ami to counteract this with her being sweet, patient, and only distrust humans outside of Hinata and her teammates and of course Naruto himself, since he holds her mate inside him. And of course, since she was a demon, I made her tough.

I don't really recall much about Ami, I try to block her out of my memories when I look back at them, but I don't ever think I made Ami a Mary Sue. At least, if I did, no one told me (in fact, one of them said quite the opposite - they liked her). But because I have now learned what this term means and what to look out for in my own writing, I rarely write OCs anymore - not unless I'm doing a romantic pairing.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from writing OCs. I, personally, never gave a shit about them and especially since I'm a guilty party of doing that. I just kind of want people to be aware of things they write about a character that they wish to implant into a world that already pre-exist.

The most common complaint I hear about Rey is that she's too powerful; she doesn't struggle, there isn't many lessons she's learning, and unlike Luke and even Anakin, the things she's learning as a Jedi comes _naturally_ for her. Yeah, the story's a mess, and action scenes in the newest Star Wars are subpar at best, but Rey _herself_ is a problem - and to a extend, that means the writing of the character. Immediately, Rey hits _far_ too close as a Mary Sue. We can argue back and forth on whether or not being OP makes a character a Sue, but no one can deny that being very powerful with no struggle is _one_ of the many problems of self-inserted fantasies. Because, be honest folks, everyone struggles.

That's just real life, and that's _usually_ makes a character relatable. Forget how most cartoon characters can defy gravity, are superheros, complete badasses that can shoot first and ask question later, can make the impossible possible; when you strip all that away, what you're left with is - usually, unless otherwise stated - _human._ And the thing about humans is that, we make mistakes. We get emotional. We play victim or place blame when we're accused, we joke, we laugh, we get angry and want to fight, we cry. And even if the character _isn't_ human, none of that changes. You can give monsters a motive, you can have your villains be the good guy if you want them to. And no, not every character needs a sad story to be relatable - they just need a _story._

And I guess, that's my biggest problem with character building. Half of the time, there is no story for them - they exist because the author wants them to exist (and again, I'm guilty for that. Though I usually try to warn people in the tags that the OCs are minor - they're the type of OCs that appears for one second and then you'll never hear from again). Other times they are there because the author wants to fill in a role they can't achieve in real life. And in Rey's case, I think she's only there to bring in new people to an already well-established fandom.

Again, not a Star Wars fan, but I _am_ saying that as someone who's been around the Fanfiction block quite a while and seen some shit, as well as wrote some shit. Rey just seems so...unappealing to me, when I hear people rag on her. I don't know if I would place her there with Bella from Twilight or Anastasia from Fifty Shades of Grey, but she could be in the same league. The only difference seems to be is that nobody falls for her - which is a given, since this is sci-fi and Star Wars typically doesn't focus on romance. Not saying it doesn't happen, but again - sci-fi. The most enjoyable thing that came from this fandom besides the plot and character themselves, is the lightsabers.

I really want to go more in-depth with this subject - because I think it's important for everyone to know how to write a good character. But I'm also running out of steam too, and I really should sleep. So when is the next update to this? Eh.

I will leave with this, though, as my upcoming plans for this site: Since I kind of want to talk about certain subjects about writing, and what _I've_ concluded over the years as someone who writes fanfiction, and some original pieces every now and then, I kind of want to see how I do on my own. This means, I'm probably going to start writing original stuff on here. I just want to see how my writing is compared to when I write fanfictions; when I have to make up the original setting, original characters, maybe not original plots, some conflict, the lessons I want to get across. You know, the things that makes up a good story. It's been a long time since I've doing something like this, so I might not get back to certain fandoms for a while.

Though, before I start my journey of that, I will honestly, probably, make another series sometime soon. Because I'm in an angst-y mood and still haven't gotten over my apathetic stage I had during December (if you couldn't tell by the writing of chapter 3), I'm gonna start a series that pretty much is going to break your heart. If you're a fan of any of the pairings I have written so far - Akira/Ryuji, Hide/Kaneki, Marshall/Chase, hell even Naruto/Hinata - be prepared to have your heart ripped out; because I plan on making certain characters act like assholes to one pining boi/grill.

So yeah, a series of one-sided attractions of my favorite parings where one character of each pair is fucking a jerk to the other. Fun. 


	5. Chapter 5

Man, bitter disappointment hurts. A lot.

I say this because of fucking course the Ravens choke at the last minute, and the Super Bowl is out of our hands now. Typical.

I'm not too mad though, the Ravens had an awesome season, and I will never not be proud of their achievements as I do now. Still, it kind of stings that we lost our game today. Let it be known that I'm not a die-hard Football Fan, by the way. I love my Ravens, but it's not like I keep up with every game they play. I'm just happy we've made some history, even if I really wanted the rings.

Not gonna lie, though, the lost still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. That's why I'm still up at almost 5'o clock in the damn morning. I'm gonna try to go to sleep, but with the way my feelings has been hurt, I'm not entirely sure if that's at all possible. So, what am I going to do is I'm gonna write a PAW Patrol story. It's mostly likely gonna be a chapter story, and I'm gonna try to do it all in one go, just to get these jitters I have out of my system and maybe get some sleep. I don't know, I'm too anxious right now to really do anything. 

But here's hoping writing fanfiction will help me. Cheers!


	6. Chapter 6

So. A lot has happened. We can officially say that the year 2020 is the worst year this world has ever seen.

There are so many things I would like to talk about with you guys. The biggest one is that I want to say is that I think I've reached my emotional limit - with everyone. This is mostly stemming from my family - more precisely, my mom - but I think I'm done with the internet too. I just....need to go away for a while (but not before I post a story, probably my final, on here). 

So. The thing is, my mom's sick. She's depressed and she is unemployed at the moment. The only person who is bringing anything in the house is my sister which - I know, I know, I'mma lazy fuck who should've gotten a job by now, and you are right. I should have gotten a job by now. Which is why I'll no longer be on this site for a good chunk. And...I'm _trying_ to understand, to be compassionate. She's my mom and I love her, she's always trying to make me happy, and I can't say anything wrong about her: but sometimes, with the way she acts, it's _frustrating._ I have to keep reminding myself that she isn't well, she can't do a whole lot of things she would normally do anymore, and I should have respect for her. And I'm _trying._

Since I don't have a job, I try to help out around the house as much as they need me to. It's not always easy, because I have my issues to work with and battling my own depression, but when I'm able to do something, I do it. No questions asked. But as I've stated, I have my own issues to work out. I can't rightly say it's depression because I haven't been diagnosed, but sometimes I don't want to do _anything._ I don't even want to write stories because they are starting to feel like a chore, and you guys sending me messages about how I should update already doesn't make it any better. Sometimes I get sad, and on the verge of a breakdown because I feel trapped with no help, with no one to understand, and I'm _angry_ because of it. I'm angry because of my own shortcomings, constantly self-criticizing myself for things any other adult would've known, should've known, by now. I'm hurt, angry, and I have no one to talk to about it. So yes, from my angle, I should be more compassionate towards my mother.

But I can't. Everything she does, everything I see in her, I see in myself, and I **detest** it. Every 'I'll do it tomorrow' is met with not doing it, every 'okay, okay, I'm doing it' is met with not progressing, every fucking time I've asked something of her, there's an excuse.

You see where I'm going with this guys? You see the problem?

 **It's the exact same thing that I have done and has done over the past** 20 (I could be wrong on this. I was born in 1994 and is currently 25) **years, to both you guys and my mother.**

And in knowing that, that just makes me even angrier and guilty. I have no right to feel the way that I do, because again my mom, love her to bits, but it's just so...frustrating; looking into a mirror and seeing every behavior, every habit I have often criticize myself for. How often do I have to say sorry to you guys for going completely silent? How often do I make excuses as to why certain stories aren't being updated? Too many damn times, and from the bottom of my heart, **I apologize.** I swear to god, I'm sorry for making you guys wait, for making you believe that I have abandon you. But again, life happens, and sometimes I don't even want to be here. Writing's stop being fun for me a long time ago.

I'm just...done. So done. Because it's starting to feel like I have been waiting on people for a good chunk of my life, and now you guys are suffering because of it. Maybe the problem's with me, maybe the problem's with people, I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired. I'm angry and I'm tired.

And then the news about Cryaotic, one of my favorite youtuber/streamer, came out and I feel so damn **gutted.** I looked up to him! I loved his streams! I have made and met so many friends on his twitch streams! He has always made me laugh and for him to come out as a pedophile is heartbreaking! I don't want to believe it, but knowing all this damn information about a guy I hardly knew, but has always made me smile and felt like, if I had been into streaming just a little bit earlier, had gather a following like he did, we could've been friends, I had to unfollow and unsubscribe to him. I meant what I said - the things I write about even if I never written pedophilia before, is not something I support in real life.

I am just....I don't know. All I know is, I'm ready to leave. This house, this life, I want it all to just go away.

I'mma talk to a recruit for the Marine Corps soon. But just before I do, I'm gonna do a full story on Feral - which is a small little story I had written in Chasing Tails. I like the idea enough to write my own version of it, so I'm going to do it soon.

Later. 


	7. Chapter 7

I am currently having computer problems. All stories are on hold until further notice. That is all. 


End file.
